well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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