a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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