I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
