Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
