Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
