the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
