she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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