think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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