I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
