dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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