2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
