you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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