The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
