I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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