Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i barfeds in our rink
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
