the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
