I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
