My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
