I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
