I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
