I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
