1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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