Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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