Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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