fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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