"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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