Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
