remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
