I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
