brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
