Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
