I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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