Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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