I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
