I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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