And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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