I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
