apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
