I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
