This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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