dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
