you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
