When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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