I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
