Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
