My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
