Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
