If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
