I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
