I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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