I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Found the puke drawer
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
