my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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