I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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