you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
