Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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