Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
