Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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