Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
