Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
