I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
