I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
