If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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