Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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