I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
