Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
