Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
