omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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