I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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